I'm Still Alive (I Think)

-Where Have I Been?-

Well, nowhere, really. I'm just in a wonderfully weird spot right now. I got a new job, which is great, but it did put me in this unsettling limbo as I waited to start my first day. As I discussed in my post announcing my resignation, when I quit I was sent home to finish my last two weeks as "vacation." This was upsetting due to not being able to say goodbye to anyone, among other reasons. It was also off-putting because I couldn't start my new job immediately despite my sudden availability.

They were expecting me more towards May 1st, and here I was free on April 17th. Both bosses were away, one for almost a week, another for a week and a half.  Three days after I quit I got a hold of one, who said that the other one needed to be back before we could get started. Okay. I passed another week in this uncomfortable stand-still. I binge watched a lot of TV (Sherlock Holmes two times, two seasons of Supernatural, the Lost in Space first season, lots of comedy specials and random movies, and the entire series of Danny Phantom ). I was mostly just trying to take a break. My previous job had stressed me out so badly that I wanted to take a mental vacation and just do things that were good for my peace of mind. I retreated into myself as I absorbed mindless videos and games.

Then the end of my "vacation" came, and my new job still wasn't ready for me. I spent over a week with no income as I waited for them to get everything into place so I could start working.  Finally, two days ago, I got to start my new job.

-And I Love It (So Far)-

I say "so far" because I know well from experience that nothing is as it seems, nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same. But I do, I love it so far.  And not because the first two days were basically me being bored out of my mind waiting for phone calls that come maybe once per hour because I wasn't set up in their system to actually start doing paperwork and such.  I love it because the vibe is the exact opposite of what I hated at my previous job.  Where the old job had felt like a dictatorship where my existence didn't matter because some other ant could take my place without them feeling a shred of guilt over it, I feel like this new job might actually care. My first day I was high fived twice. I was described as "the missing piece of the puzzle" for the team.  The company itself brags such an ethical standpoint in regards to customers and I feel like it applies to employees too.

Backing up, my new job is at a financial planning business. They help people plan their budget for the lifestyle they want, as well as help them figure out how to get enough money to retire. In addition, they do life and disability insurance and the like. I'm this weird hybrid position where I am stationed at the front desk to take calls and walk ins but I'm also apparently going to have a big hand in the HR department in helping to hire new financial reps. I went from my ideas not being taken seriously at my previous job to jumping right in in the major decision making process with my new job. Wow. I knew I was capable of doing it, but to be actually doing it and feeling like they have the utmost confidence in me is amazing.

-Here Comes the Weird Part-

My unhappiness with my job felt like the major thing that was wrong in my life, that made me the most upset and downtrodden.  And now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I am happy with my job, despite the 40 minute drive to get there and the weird taxes because I live in one state and work in another.

But now I have the rest of my life to worry about, mainly my fixer upper that I bought. I sprayed some weeds a couple days ago, and before that, I hadn't touched the place in like three months. I have lost interest, lost hope. I'm not a handy person, and neither is my boyfriend. I feel guilty relying so much on my father, who has understandably gotten tired of volunteering to help without me also being there to help out. It's been hard to keep up with chores at the house I'm living at  now and still put in time for the fixer upper.  I've been paying the loan to fix it up for three months and haven't gotten any of the projects going yet. I wonder if I should give up and pay the loan with itself, get out of it before I get too deep, and put the place up for sale. I got it so cheap and cleaned it up decently so I'm sure I can make some kind of profit off of it. Buy a house closer to work and cut off half the drive time. A house that's already functional.

And yet... I hate giving up. I've always been a determined person. I once got hit by an uninsured driver that made only one payment to me for the damages and kept making excuses and never paid me the rest. Everyone told me that I'd never get the money to fix my car from him. "You can't bleed a turnip."  But I did.  I saw it through, took him to court, garnished his wages, and I got the money to fix my car.  It took a year and a half, but I did it.  And I do like this house and what it could become.  I love the area:  close to my dad, in a safe neighborhood.  I want to keep trying.

-And That's Just the Tip of the Iceberg-

I'm still trying to keep up with The Un-Life, too.  It's with an editor right now for a "mini-critique" to look at the story more than grammar. Next month is the writer's convention that I want to take it to, and that's a whole 'nother box of worms that I don't feel prepared for. I want to add at least another 10k words to it before then, but... where am I going to find the time?  I'm beginning to regret the three weeks of relaxation; I should have taken advantage of the time more.  Oh well.  We'll make it work.

-Dana Lockhart


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