It's funny how discovering yourself happens slowly over time, with realizations and tells popping up in random, unexpected places. I've been struggling to write a blog post about my journey being ace, and what things - both at the time and in hindsight - were pointing me towards who I am. Some of these things have proven harder to talk about than I initially thought. It’s even harder to feel like I’m explaining myself in a way that can be understood. Feelings and experiences are complex, especially when it comes to love. The Un-Life of William Moore is the first full-length novel I completed and published. At its core, hidden within the details of the story, it’s all about me. Not in a literal sense, as I am not a character in the story and the story isn’t literally about me, but it is about me in a much broader sense. They say that beginning authors write about what they know, and this adage is very true with The Un-Life. I filled the story with details yoinked from myself, people I knew, places I’ve been, and encounters I’ve had. No person or place is an exact copy of any of these people or things, but a hodge podge mixing pot of my life, thoughts, and experiences. Characters can sometimes surprise you, even years after they are printed. At the time of writing and publishing The Un-Life, I hadn’t yet considered my sexuality and was not out as ace yet (even to myself). In hindsight, I believe The Un-Life story may have been influenced by my asexuality before I even knew I was ace. I wouldn’t necessarily call this post a ret-con or even a canonical confession at this point. However, I think there is a lot of strong evidence and reason to believe that one, if not two, of the main characters of The Un-Life are asexual, and I think that’s worth exploring and talking about! The asexuality/ace flag. The Titular Character: William MooreWhen I was thinking about vampires in a literal, real-world sense, and trying to shape my book’s lore accordingly, I concluded that, realistically, vampires wouldn’t have sexual desire. However, I was not thinking that fully through to “all vampires are asexual”. It was more of a biological look at how vampires would behave. After all, vampires “reproduce” by biting people and turning them into vampires. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me at the time why vampires would have phantom desires to procreate like humans do. If anything, they would get more pleasure out of biting people than having sex with them. However, I also decided against treading too much further down that rabbit hole, as I did not want Billy biting Kaylah to be a sexual experience for either party. While I did want a fun will-they-won’t-they dynamic at times, I did not want the story to be a romance. I also didn’t want to make non-consensual biting to be even more creepy as a result. So, for Billy, biting is just how he eats. Or is it just that way for him? The only other vampire we see is Alexandre, so we don’t get a whole lot of data to work with since Alex didn’t directly threaten any sexual violence upon Kaylah, nor were his violent acts physically sexual in nature. He was very dominant, controlling, and possessive, and clearly had some twisted perceptions of love and romance, but any further clues into what deeper sexuality he might have is up for debate since he doesn’t directly engage in or speak about sexual acts. However, if we are to presume that Ruby had a biting kink, then maybe Alexandre did, too. Furthermore, Ruby and Alexandre both experienced romantic relationships, which leaves Billy the odd vampire out. Billy expresses his affections with compliments, hugs, and a rare kiss. He prioritizes responsibility over his own gratification. He expresses early on that he is straight but has no sexual desire. Alexandre comments on the fact that Billy has mostly lived alone and by himself, without any long-lasting companions or friends. Regardless of whether all vampires are ace, at least Billy seems to be. From what is shown in the novel, some argument could perhaps even be made for him having aromantic tendencies all well since he does not seek out relationships. In fact, you may have noticed that I didn’t explicitly have Billy or Kaylah themselves say that they felt love for the other, it’s always a third party pushing that idea onto them; an idea that they don’t respond to affirmatively. So, it is possible that Billy does not love Kaylah in a romantic sense at all, and may be aromantic. However, it is also just possible he doesn’t seek out romance with humans because of his personal choices related to his feelings towards vampirism. Is Billy ace? Very probably yes. Aroace, even? Maybe. An argument could be made either way. The Aromantic/Asexual (AroAce) flag. The Narrator: Kaylah RhodesI crafted Kaylah Rhodes to be a strong, independent woman type. Her circle is small. Before the events of chapter one, she was a homebody with one best friend. She was focused on school, work, and advancing her career. She is not thinking about romance, adventure, or self-discovery. She has a plan (to do the best she can so she can become the best teacher she can) and she’s sticking to it. The only distractions she allows in her life are the literary as she delves into fantastical stories as a break from reality. At least, until her worldview is shattered by an impossible stranger with a unique and tantalizing story. In my quest to acknowledge, break, and twist stereotypes in this book, I also tackled the single-woman problem. In my experience, a woman rejecting the nuclear dream and pursuing her own happiness over settling down is always looked at strangely. That there must be something wrong with her to not want to be a mother, there must be a reason she’s not convinced anyone to stay with her yet. With a book where I was trying to un-romanticize monster stories, an independent, career-driven woman seemed to be the perfect protagonist. When the relationship gets too toxic and dangerous, or she’s approached by someone not respecting her wishes, she seems much more justified in saying “no” than if she had been a romantic. It makes the reality of the story so much more real. It makes the people more real. Does being an independent person, waiting for the right person to come along to treat her with respect and build upon her happiness automatically make her ace? No. But the way she behaves when confronted with the prospect of romance might. Something I learned years after discovering I was ace and struggling with finding dates, was that I was at times completely oblivious when someone was flirting with me. At best, I found the behavior of men to just be polite, at worst I thought it was creepy. This romance-blindness became a challenge to overcome. Things people did to me to try and excite me just didn’t work, and little things I thought were just showing affection were apparently much more exciting on the other end. I could go on, but I’ll keep it brief. I found out over time that my reactions and thoughts on the matter were out of the norm, broadening my understanding of what being ace actually meant. It’s not just a lack of libido. Asexuality is a much more complicated beast. I believe Kaylah exhibits some of this behavior in the way she blows off Adam and people who try and convince her to pursue romance. She views Adam’s attempts to save her as interfering with her life instead of finding it chivalrous. She’s confused about why people are trying to push her towards a relationship. She chooses her own company and the company of her friends over going out to try and meet someone. Even in the way she gifts Billy something she knows he needs, she’s expressing her affection in thoughtful ways and not romantic ways. This also opens up a discussion of the ace umbrella. Is Kaylah gray? Sex repulsed? Or maybe aego? I’d maybe have to dive back deeper into the story to make a guess as to whether Billy or Kaylah have an umbrella term that best fits them. Maybe I’ll leave that up to you, dear readers. The aegosexual flag. Finding a Fellow Ace Isn’t the (Complete) Answer So, if Billy and Kaylah are possibly both ace, then what’s the problem? They can still have a relationship without sex, right? Well, finding someone sexually compatible with you is only a small part of any relationship. At its most basic level, a relationship is about mutual happiness. Happiness can be made and shared in many forms. Sex can be one. So can conversation, interests, adventures, activities, family, growth, non-sexual affection, gifts, compliments, support, and the list goes on and on. The more things you have in common that make you both happy, the better off you’re probably going to be in a relationship. Kaylah and Billy might both be ace, and they both enjoy conversation. But the rest of their lives are vastly different. Maybe they could be happy for some time, but time would also eventually break them. Kaylah's aging, Kaylah’s day job and Billy’s sleep, secrecy, danger. They are better off as friends. And that’s okay. Friendships can be extremely rewarding, and sometimes more rewarding than a romantic relationship. Especially for aces! We love friends! Friends don’t try to sleep with us (usually), and we like that about friends. Well, that’s all that’s on my mind right now. I tried to write/post this last year for Ace Week but didn’t quite get my thoughts together enough to write it all down. I hope I managed it this time. Discovering I was ace and continuing to discover what exactly that means for me has been an important journey for me over the past few years. I’ve done a lot of looking back on my life and how this identity may have manifested itself earlier than I thought. Trying to figure out if there is a why, or if I’ve always been this way. Maybe I’ll talk more about that in the future. But for now, I encourage you to maybe look through The Un-Life again and see if you can see what I see. Do you think any of the characters are ace? Why or why not? I’d love to hear your opinions! Since I’m not declaring any ace-canonicity in the story at this time, it’s really up to interpretation. While you’re at it, maybe leave The Un-Life a review on Amazon or Goodreads. Give it a listen on Audible. Get a signed copy from my online store. Like vampire memes and general gothic stuff? Follow my Facebook page for spooky nonsense. Happy spooky month, everyone, and happy ace week! ~Dana P.S. - Oh, do I have an umbrella term? It's a little complicated. I'd like to have one, for the hope that my complex feelings can be expressed by a single word so that I might be better understood, but I've had trouble narrowing it down. For a while I identified as demi, but now lean towards more gray. Emotional connection is definitely a huge factor for me, but I don't think it's the only factor. For now, gray is fine. Or just ace!
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Author - Dana LockhartLockhart is an urban fantasy author and writing community leader. Archives
July 2023
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